Horoscopes for July 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Look at the Moon for the answers you seek.  Today is the day that man first stepped there.  42 years have passed since that day and the moon will reveal all it’s secrets today. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The moon that you see today will not be in the sky. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will celebrate Moon day with an RC Cola and a Moon Pie for lunch.  Just a thought… they have both of those things at the Klondyke… and you can get some other stuff to fill you up. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) When you stare into the mirror today you will wonder why there are two half moons, both colored black, under your eyes and then you will remember what you don’t want to about last night. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Today is the day that you will finally break down.  You will run through the woods as if you were a werewolf and constantly bark at the moon.   Either that or you’re gonna hear Ozzy Osbourne’s Bark at the Moon on the radio.  We can’t be sure… the stars are completely obstructed by the moon today. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) One small step for the copier means one giant leap for you.  You should be thankful that the Xerox repairman works on Moon Day. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The shadows are falling in all sorts of different directions… we know… blah, blah, blah… IT WASN’T A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION YOU MORON!  BUZZ AND NEIL WERE ACTUALLY THERE!!!  AS FAR AS THE SHADOWS GO… HEAD INTO THE MOUNTAINS AND TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF ON A SUNNY DAY.  SEE IF THE SHADOWS ALL GO ONE WAY! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will find it kind of ironic that the USA made it to the moon 42 years ago and tomorrow,  we’ll be landing the space shuttle for the last time. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Moon Zappa will haunt your daydreams, but you find her brother Dweezil eerily attractive, right up until you remember that you have to take Ahmet as a package deal. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Your bowl of Lucky Charms will be devoid of yellow moons. Libra (September 23 – October 22) One of these days, Libra.  POW!  Right in the kisser.  TO THE MOON, LIBRA!!! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Butterflies, Moonbeams and Fairy Tales – That’s all you ever think about while you’re riding with the wind. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly do it, we pulled out one last moon reference, just for you…. You will have the uncontrollable urge to visit a Denny’s and order the Moons over My Hammy.]]]]> ]]>