If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will be both flattered and insulted when you discover that your life is being used as the basis for musical starring Cledus T. Judd.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The personal ad that you are thinking about placing should read something other than “Single. Available. Desperate.”Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will wake up from your daydream screaming. You will be so thankful that you are not actually the president of the country that you will volunteer to work overtime.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will be urged to make a large donation to a needy charity. There’s a problem. You would bounce a check for thirty-five cents. Just tell them you’re broke and don’t have the money that they think you do. The gall of the people thinking just because you have a telephone, that you actually have money!Aries (March 21 – April 19) All of the planets are lining up in your sign. This could be good. It could be bad. We’re not sure, but we’ve got confidence that it means something!Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The most exciting thing that happens to you today is getting that free refill at the gas station.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) There are people that have come together and conspired to keep you from carrying out your brilliant scheme to get rich. That group of people is known as the FBI.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You could find your perfect mate if only you weren’t looking for the perfect egg at the market!Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will find out that you are pretty healthy after a brief scare that sends you to the doctor later today.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Yesterday’s horoscope is still true. That begs the question: Why are you still eating cereal?. Don’t you know that it’s only PART of a balanced breakfast?Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will be completely unable to fit the sheet to the bed. You realize that it was a mistake to dry those new sheets on high heat!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The stars wanted us to tell you that you need to quit being so indecisive. Make up your mind already!Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You may have some difficulties at work today when your left arm “goes to sleep” and you can’t figure out how to wake it up.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.