Horoscopes for July 22, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Tell everyone you know by renting an airplane to write it out in the sky. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) When you start to falter today. Stay strong. Taking blood only takes a minute. It’s the results you should worry about. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) From now own you shall be know as Fred. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Spread the wealth. We know it isn’t much and you’ll only be spreading it to a select few bill collectors. You can, however, still feel like a big-shot, writing all those checks. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The new moon of Pluto is not really a moon, it’s a dwarf moon. Which means that you are too big to see it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Turns out that forgetting to pay at the gas station was by no means a free fill-up. Once you get done with court costs, it will be close to your whole month’s salary. You’ll never gripe about the cost of fuel, ever again. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are capable of achieving greatness. But, you have to get off the couch first. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Once in awhile your OCD shows. Today, it will shine like a pulsar in our own solar system. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You can either dazzle ’em with brilliance, or baffle ’em with BS. Guess which one you will be best at today. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The scales of justice will tip in your favor today. If by justice you mean, The car that cut you off get pulled over a mile down the road, then score one for the home team! Libra (September 23 – October 22) You can’t stop thinking about Christmas. It’s probably because of that bump on your head from last night. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Maybe you should let somebody else take the reins today. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You are in need of professional help. Yes, we are professionals. You need a professional with a couch, though.]]]]> ]]>