Horoscopes for July 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Just when you think you are done with your horrible past, it will jump up and bite you in the buttocks. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Don’t even bother today. With what you may ask? Anything. Don’t bother with anything! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will think your eyes are deceiving you today. No, that is in fact a 50 foot tall ice cream cone. Diet? What diet? Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t listen to the voices in your head. Only you can hear them. Everyone can hear your mother and you never listened to her. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Pretend you are moving through chocolate pudding today. Do everything in slow motion. The flavor of the pudding doesn’t really matter, only to serve as your motivation. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There will come a point in time today that you must not blink. You will know when the time is right. Just remember, don’t blink. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Keep a stiff upper lip. We have no real clue what that means. People may actually laugh at you, but do it anyway. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Jump up and down when you feel stressed today. You should get lots of exercise! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your inner beauty is clear for all who know you to see. You must work hard to get to know people though. Today will be a good time to start. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You must forgive all the idiots around you. And remember, someone is working hard to forgive you as well. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Stop being a whiner and become a winner. There ya go, some nice t-shirt wisdom. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Have fun explaining what you did last night. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Have a long soak. No one will complain about you being in the bath tub for so long, trust us on this one.]]]]> ]]>