If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You’re expecting cake and ice cream. How about lowering your expectations. You’ll get a bran muffin and Greek yogurt.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You need to find some balance in your life. Go talk to a Libra! Hey. It makes sense to us!Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) This week has been a complete disaster and you’re blaming us for not being there to guide you. Grow up, already. How long did you have to hold on to the shopping cart when you were in the store with your Mommy. Some part of you still wants to reach out and grab the shopping cart but there’s a bigger part of you that wants to grab the controls and go all out. Give in for the next ten minutes and then sit back down to finish your work. You’ll feel lots better!Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t pick your nose today. You’ll have to shake hands with a lot of people.Aries (March 21 – April 19) The sun moved slightly and we see that there are storm clouds in your future. Wear a raincoat! It will save your entire future!Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You have learned the meaning of the phrase “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Here’s your problem. You are the one who keeps chasing them away with your clingy behavior. There’s only so much snuggle-time that a partner can take, so back off and take some “you” time!Gemini (May 21 – June 20) That dude who doesn’t seem to understand you is not partially deaf. You do not need to shout louder. He’s completely deaf and he doesn’t speak any English. You’ll see what we’re talking about a little later.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Due to the debt ceiling debate currently raging in Congress, we cannot process your request for a forecast at this time. We are trying with all our might to figure out a way to make those crazy people up there realize what time it is. Come back tomorrow. Maybe we will have had some success.Leo (July 23 – August 22) You let yourself down… again. Eat some Cherry Garcia and try again tomorrow.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You have said some things in the past that have hurt someone very close to you. Be careful! They’ve been plotting revenge and it looks like today’s the day!Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’re a glass-half-full type of person. Let us bring you in on the secret. The glass is half empty and you have to just deal with it!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You need to buy some fabric refresher of some sort. For some reason your computer chair smells like pampers.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You’ve been going through some difficult changes in your life and we realize that, but reconstructive facial surgery to make sure that your boss doesn’t recognize you anymore is not the best idea you’ve ever had!]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.