Horoscopes for July 3, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will find it a little unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice.” Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You have a choice to make between two answers.  Even though it seems as if you actually have a 50/50 shot at getting it right, you can’t shake the feeling that you have a 90% chance of giving the wrong answer. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your road rage has brought you to a harsh realization.  If all the cars in the world were lined up end to end, you would be the one person that would try to pass them. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) This day has brought you, dear Pisces, the knowledge that you cannot have everything, because you have nowhere to put anything else.  Just look at your house.  You could be on one of those shows about hoarding! Aries (March 21 – April 19) The doctors have told you that if you eat right and stay fit, you can make your life last a little longer.  Hey… We’re all gonna die so we ask you the question:  Would you rather die choking down one of those puny little salads, or would you rather your last meal be something more along the lines of a drippingly juicy double bacon cheeseburger and seasoned potatoes or maybe a huge surf and turf platter.   Eat up and live hearty! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You are treading into dangerous territory.  We will be keeping our distance from you… we hear that you are about to do some research and we have found that research causes cancer in rats.  You better be careful… we may be small in size, but we are large in numbers. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will make the painful discovery that God gave us shins so that we are able to find furniture in the dark. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will prove that your bouts of insomnia are over when you sleep straight through the day… by the way… since you slept through yesterday, welcome to Monday… it’s already Independence Day!  Hooray for America. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your celebration this weekend will bring you to reflect on the phrase that begins, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day…”  You will begin to tell people that the phrase should end with, “Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer!”  People will praise you for your insight, but we’ll be able to tell them that we led you to that realization. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Harry S. Truman had a sign on his desk that said, “The Buck Stops Here.”  You are thinking about going to find that desk and find some of your bucks that made their way there. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will spend the day attempting to find a new and different food for your finicky cat.  May we suggest that you hurry.  He is tormenting our brethren!  If you can find a way to make rat flavored cat food, we’d appreciate it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will have two dilemmas in the coming week that will cause you great consternation today.  You are trying to find out how to make ends meet, while trying to figure out a way to make meetings end! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will provide proof to the world that growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.]]]]> ]]>