Horoscopes for July 30, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will filled with more water than normal today.  Take lots of bathroom breaks. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) One of the worst moments in life is when you actually arrive at the realization that you are not going to live forever.  Today, the worst moment is when you realize that you are stuck right where you are and (no matter how much you beg God to take you away) you cannot die. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT!  That’s what they always say.  Act normal and play dumb, even if you cannot breathe.  They’re that good looking and you won’t get someone that hot to hang with you ever again if you bust them out. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your unquenchable thirst for knowledge will not be satiated by the night-time television line-up.  You should subscribe to Netflix. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Freeze your water.  Use the frozen water to cool your beverages.  Seems like a simple task.  Stop complaining that your Coke is hot!  It’s 2,374 degrees outside.  It’s gonna be hot when you leave it in the car!  Dummy! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your lack of attentiveness in high school algebra has left you confused as to how to figure out how many cans of green beans that you need to buy for dinner tomorrow.   Use a lifeline.  Phone your best friend and let them help you figure out the problem instead of sitting there in your computer chair thinking about logging in to World of Warcraft. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) There will be no safety net for you today.  Walk carefully where you tread. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You must learn to control your urges.  It is not cool for you to point out the flaws in everybody’s hairdo… especially when it’s your best friend.  You COULD wake up bald tomorrow. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The stars say you’re gonna have a pretty lousy day. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will waste another nine hours on the phone with customer service again.  Why don’t you just drive up to the office?  It’s right across town.  They could probably get your problem fixed in minutes. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have enrolled in classes to teach you about bugs and not how to become the next Indiana Jones. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will fall down three times before you get home today.  Wear a helmet if you’re planning on being on a bike. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Zhè jiàn shìqíng quèshí gōngzuò….  Well.  That was the first test of our new piece of equipment.  We now have to figure out what that says.  By the way.  You should stay away from anything electrical today.  You are incredibly charged with positive ions.  This could be dangerous.]]]]> ]]>