Just Plain Fun
Horoscopes for July 31, 2011
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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Your desperate attempts to remain young are increasingly futile. When you awoke this morning you actually felt older and that fact will only grow more apparent throughout the day. Better get to bed early, you don’t want to feel TOO old. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Eat slowly when you are in public this week. For some strange reason your clothes are very attractive to your food. You could carry a bib with you! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Terrible things can happen when you play with a lighter and a can of Aqua Net! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You have been thinking about visiting that Tarot card reader. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your stars are. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The stars are shining brightly upon your path today. You are getting ready for some real changes at your workplace. The stars say that the color pink will play a prominent role in your life this week. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Maybe financial woes would not affect you if you would stop spending all the money you make in those silly little machines. You could collect all the stickers in the collection in a different way! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your childhood idol will drunk dial you and tell you that they are ready to accept the marriage proposal you sent them in the mail. Be honest with them and tell them that you don’t even remember writing that letter but that you would be interested in having them hang up the phone and losing your number. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You were thinking about a visit to Washington DC later this year, but the current situation leads you to believe that you are smarter than everyone there, and for once it looks like you’re right. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will see things in your dreams that will lull you into a sense of peace, then you will wake up and realize that none of it was true. Your world could never be that peaceful. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Tomorrow night is National Night Out. Why not make tonight, National Night In. Stay in your chair with the shotgun in your lap and if anyone knocks on the door, jump up, snatch the door open and scream… It’s National Night In dummy, now GO HOME. It will be fun to see the looks on peoples faces. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You have spent an inordinately large amount of money on produce lately and the fact is that you aren’t gonna eat it. Go get a happy meal and feel better about your life. Now they come with both apples AND fries. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Mars is in your sign this week and your stars are none too happy about it. They worked out the whole NFL situation and are thinking about throwing a wrench back in the monkey works because of it. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You have an equal chance of becoming a superstar at work as you do of contracting leprosy. Good luck.]]]]> ]]>
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