If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You can, in fact, have your cake and eat it too. Try doing the the other way around and you will run into some problems.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Nobody will do your job for you. Get off your lazy bum and get to work.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You should never say the word “the” aloud today. The sound of your voice with the exact vibrations of that word will cause a shift in the cosmic alignment. You may not see the results for years, but they will be there.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Time is imperative. One second late for any of your appointments will be disastrous. Mind your watch carefully.Aries (March 21 – April 19) In the grand scheme of things, neither of us really matters much. That kind of thinking has gotten you into the situation that you are in. Change your thinking and change the world. Imagine the whole world thinking just as you do! Nevermind. There aren’t enough Cheetos in the world.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You are preparing for all of the wrong things. We know that it is hurricane season, but there is no zombie season. You must always be on alert. Never drop your guard.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should try to get a little more rest. It’s starting to show.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Just because you wish something with all your heart does not mean you will get it. Pull the silver spoon out of your mouth and join the really real world.Leo (July 23 – August 22) In the interest of being good people, some people have misled you. You are not the sexiest creature alive. Creature, yes. Sexiest, not so much.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Having the power to control the minds of others will be yours today. Try to do more with the ability that command your waiter to refill your drink.Libra (September 23 – October 22) Did you really expect a different outcome?Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) By not giving up you will show your deep seated determination. Other people will not understand why you are trying to push a building down with your bare hands, but you have your own reasons.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Now that you are on the top of the world, you have to defend your position. Wonder how much defending you can do with 2 hair ties and half a Hershey bar?]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.