If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You were spared the rod and everyone else can tell. In order to get your life straight, pull off your belt and give yourself a few licks each day until you know how to behave.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Now that you know the difference between perspiration and aspirations, you can stop pouring sweat and really start to get some stuff done with your life.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You are one of those types of people who believe that there are only 2 types of people. We agree. Smart ones and dumb ones. Guess which category you fit into.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There are people out to get you. This is not some hair brained idea brought on by our inherent paranoia. OK, it probably is, but that doesn’t make it less true. OK, so maybe it does. You should still look both way befor crossing the street though.Aries (March 21 – April 19) In the middle of the night, you go walking in your sleep. We have video. We would share it with you, but the shock of your actions would force you to seek medical advice and this is one of our favorite pastimes.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will begin to get sleeeepy. Verrryy sleeeepy. Give the rats your moonney. Too quick? We’ll try later. Go back to the sleepy part over and over till we return.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Please in the name of all you hold dear, please, don’t wear that out. It shows parts of you you Mama has never even seen.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Keep moving. If you stop moving the creepers will catch up and you do not want that happening. Not today…not ever.Leo (July 23 – August 22) In the interest of fairness, we will tell you the combination to that lock you have been trying to open. Not really, but your face sure did light up for just a moment.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Let your lesser win today. It is a big thing to do and will win you praise and adulation. Don”t care about those things? Then beat the pants off of em!Libra (September 23 – October 22) Dawdle today. You have spent your whole life not dawdling and you are long over due. You will know you are doing it right when you are completely bored out of your mind.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Begin a new health regimen. Sure you love deep fried everything, but you are starting to take on this greasy appearance. It is not attractive.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Make love not war. We know this is some old hippie t shirt saying, but you should take it on as your motto today.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.