Just Plain Fun
Horoscopes for July 9, 2011
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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Keep a tissue with you today. The tears will begin to fall at the most inopportune times. You won’t be able to explain it to folks, but deep inside you will know that it’s all because you’re one year closer to the grave! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will experience the overwhelming urge to crash your car into other cars today. Resist the urge or you will find yourself in the pokey… that is unless you’re driving in a demolition derby and if that’s the case… tell us where it is. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) A bad case of gas will ruin any possibility of that romantic encounter you were hoping for. It doesn’t mean that you have to give up hanging out with that special someone, though… just do so in a pretty crowded place and blame the smell on someone else. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) We aren’t here to just provide you with information about what’s gonna happen with your day, week, month, year or life… we’re here to be of assistance and we’ve got an observation that we would like to share with you. We hope that we’re not imposing on your sensitivities, but we thought you may be able to use this little pearl of wisdom that our ancestors handed down through the generations. It’s got to be some good advice, we’ve traced it back over 435 generations… all the way back to like 1996… That’s ancient history in the rat world! Anyway… here it is: We’ve noticed that you share your innermost secrets with your food. That’s not good. Our ancestors tell us that “Anyone who talks to their food is destined to fail in their life. Just eat what’s in front of you and talk to those around you.” Hopefully this will help you deal with your inner demons Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will allow your limitations to guide you today. Way to be adventurous! We’re just glad you can’t see us rolling our eyes! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your day went so bad yesterday that you’re still trying to figure out what the SS Minnow was. Hint: Google Gilligan’s Island! Goob! So what’s on tap for today. The most excitement you’ll have today is when the house smokes up while you’re heating that frozen pizza. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’re thinking of doing something different. How about stepping away from your computer screen and go outside for a while. Talk about 3D… it looks like someone got it right a long time ago and you’ve forgotten what it looks like. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Good fortune is on the horizon, but you’ll need to make that a possibility. Try spending all of your money on lottery tickets. If it works, we want a cut! Of course, if it doesn’t, don’t blame us. You should know better than to throw all your eggs in one basket! It still seems like a good idea though, don’t it? Leo (July 23 – August 22) That encouraging news that you heard about your career is inaccurate. Cancel your plans for the party. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Repeatedly slamming your hand in a car door will get your mind off the fact that your secret crush found out and is telling all their friends about how creepy you are. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You should probably reconsider having that cosmetic brain surgery. We’re not sure that it’s safe. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You finally realized that you can improve your financial situation by bringing in more money. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It’s the weekend and we have one suggestion for you: Apply sunscreen if you’re planning on drinking. You may wind up lying motionless in the hot sun for a number of hours.]]]]> ]]>
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