Horoscopes for June 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! How do you expect to become an intellectual at the pace you are going.  Try to slow down the birthday cycle.  At this pace, you’re gonna have the live to be 135 before you finally reach your goal.  It’s either that or you can speed up your learning cycle by turning off the “Real Housewives” show.  That show is hindering your progress.  You take one step forward throughout your day and then take twelve steps backwards before the show goes to it’s first commercial break! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You didn’t remember to brush your teeth…  or soak your dentures… we can’t tell if they’re real or not. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) It’s a good time to get in touch with the sand.  Not beach sand, mind you, the sand that comes in a bag that you’re gonna put in your yard.  Have fun with the heat.   Drink lots of water! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Well… we see that you have not figured out that vanilla will help keep those pesky gnats away from your head.  Hmph.  We guess that’s ok… given your particular chemistry, the vanilla may attract an even more unwanted pest.  The bites all over you from the gnats will, however, keep any prospective mates from banging down the door! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Now that you know whether your legs work or not, try this… walk away from the drama.  Do you really need to be in the middle of it all the time, or are you just built that way. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We see that you had some drinks last night.  How’d that go? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The smell inside your car is a consequence of leaving your window down on Thursday.  A cat had babies in your rear floorboard and then promptly moved them to a more permanent structure.  You’re gonna need to hire a professional. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will meet the person of your dreams today.  They’ll be attached to the arm of your best friend.  Say a bunch of bad words right now. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You haven’t had an original idea in a really long time.  Try something different.  Stop attempting to be creative and just go about your day like everyone else.  Maybe a stroke of genius will hit you in the forehead. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You need to run scandisk on your hard drive. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You still wish you lived in that alternate reality instead of living a life that could be a reality show on the Trailer Park Channel. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will see a waitress with only one good tooth in her head.  Whatever you do, don’t order the steak.  That’s why she’s only got the one tooth… the steak is that tough. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Dance like there’s nobody looking.  Keep the cell phone handy, though.  You know you… completely graceless and uncoordinated… you might need to dial 911.]]]]> ]]>