Horoscopes for June 12, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Grab a fork and dig into the cake.  This is the last time you’re gonna have the opportunity for a while.  We hope you enjoy it. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Remember to wear clean underwear today.  It’s important that you do.  Someone will see them and you don’t want them thinking you are filthy. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The opportunity to step outside yourself will present itself, but you are not prepared.  Stay cooped up inside your teensy-weensy little shell and you’ll be alright! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Someone dosed your toilet paper with poison ivy oil.  Sorry about the uncontrollable itch.   We were gonna warn you but got sidetracked by the overwhelming smell of cheese.  You should also clean your keyboard and mouse – alcohol and cotton swabs…  You’ll keep spreading that stuff around if you don’t. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your best friend will begin to dislike you today, but telling their secret was the right thing to do.  Hold your head high and look to the future, but watch out for the retaliation that you know is coming. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will need to spend a little while on your knees today.  Not in church…  though you could use some prayer in your life… today, you’ll be kneeling at the alter of the “porcelain god!”  Guess all those drinks over the past couple of days did a number on you! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Take an aspirin and lie back down.  Try to get the room as dark as possible and you might live through the day. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Whatever you do… Don’t answer the phone!  It’s your mother and she wants to tell you about her bunion! Leo (July 23 – August 22) The camera doesn’t steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other stuff! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your decision to put on a show to raise money for that charity will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and the violation of six health codes. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Though you’re getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you’re still horrible at interpreting things that happen when you’re awake. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You’re known for having a really remarkable character…. too bad that character is in the World of Warcraft!]]]]> ]]>