Horoscopes for June 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Don’t embark on any new journeys today. Just hope and pray for the one you are on to be over. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You should take up rug weaving. There just aren’t rugs in the world these days. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Have a dinner of boiled chicken. We know that sounds boring, but after the day you will have, boring sounds pretty good. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Space out your strangeness throughout the entire day. No one can handle you all in one burst of insanity. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should wear extra make up today. What? You are a dude? So, what. You are going to need the extra coverage today. Just pretend that you are Brad Pitt getting ready for your staring role. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your 6 month dentist appointment is coming up soon. Brushing now may fool him into thinking you have been brushing everyday. Doubt it, but it can’t hurt. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You stepped in dog poo on your way home. Now, dog poo doesn’t cause cancer or anything, but your wife will put you in traction if you track it through the house. Wipe twice. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This is the day that you will finally say, “no more chocolate”. Of course tomorrow you will announce that you can fly. You can say anything, but actually doing it may be in another country. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will find yourself in the bottom of a jug. Of course, it will be a jug of milk. Both either way, all roads lead to you lent over the potty. Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Be brave. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Just walk up to the door and knock. The object of your affections is on the other side. They can’t eat you up, and if they do then that not the one for you. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Thank your Mother. She deserves it. She’s been taking care of you for 40 years. That’s real dedication. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Finding the proverbial needle in the haystack won’t be hard at all. Removing it is a different story. Tell Mark at the ER we said, “HI!”]]]]> ]]>