Horoscopes for June 15, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Have your cake and force someone else to starve.  Did you know that the ingredients used to make your standard birthday cake could feed an entire African village for a month?  Well… those people get to go without food so you can stuff your face with all that cake… oh… you’ve got ice cream, too….  great… the milk in the ice cream alone would satiate the thirst of a single third world child for a week.  Eh…   Sorry.  Happy Birthday!  We hope it’s filled with joy! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Yes.  The answer that you seek will be found today.  What are you gonna do when you find your answer.  It’s not like you’ve ever given that much thought, huh?  No… you haven’t.  We think that you should avoid finding the answer so that you’ll have a purpose to your life.  But the choice is yours to make.  Good luck! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) What’s the deal with all the energy drinks?  You are constantly trying to get an extra boost of energy from some sort of drink.  Coffee in the morning.  Those little shot sized bottles that are supposed to last for hours.   The tall cans that are named after mythical creatures or are supposed to make you be able to fly…   What about a good old-fashioned good night’s sleep.  Why do you have to stay up and watch those stupid infomercials?  You’ve been able to discover that vacuum therapy works and could be paid for by Medicare; that Justin Bieber uses some fancy expensive zit removing cream and that you could make millions on real estate by purchasing the lost hopes and dreams of another family.  You’re the most knowledgeable person about inanity that we know.  Go to sleep already! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Today is gonna be hard for you.  Walk around all day chanting the phrase “I think I can.” Aries (March 21 – April 19) Purchase new underwear before lunch.  You’ll need a new pair. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We heard that you were feeling a bit under the weather.  Is everything ok?  Do you need a panic button?  Call us… we’re a little bit worried about you. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your shoes still stink.  Bleach should cure that. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Before you think about drinking that soda, try this experiment.  Pour a large cup full of soda and drop a slice of bacon into it.  Come back tomorrow and tell us what happened to the bacon.  We bet that’ll change your mind about drinking that stuff! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Would you be so kind as to leave us a block of cheese in that small little space next to your refrigerator?  It’s the least you could do for all the guidance that we give you.  Thanks in advance! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You weren’t brave enough. Libra (September 23 – October 22) If it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger…  This is especially true if you’ve been soaked with skunk musk! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) A phone booth will mysteriously appear in your back yard.  When it does, please leave it alone.  We requested an audience with the Doctor and would like you to keep your nose out of our business.  We need to take a look into the future and are doing the only thing we know how.  You will be rewarded with a random set of numbers that (may) win the PowerBall. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) We figured it out.  You’ve been complaining about the lack of money so we got you a check to help out.   Thing is we only help those people who we feel deserve help.  We hid the check underneath your work boots and when we visited you last night, we saw that the check had not been found because your boots had not been moved.  If you can’t even get your work boots on to try to help yourself, why should we help you?  We took the check, cashed it and bought some cheese!  Lucky us!]]]]> ]]>