Horoscopes for June 17, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You were born under a bad moon. This will be another bad moon. Beware. Prophesy predicts bad things. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball. This may be true, but we say. If you can dodge a flaming ball of poo, you can dodge anything. We have no clue who lit the poo, but you better get to dodging. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) S p e a k   s l l l o o w l y. This will make sure you get your point across. Or people will think you have suffered a stroke and rush you off to the emergency room. Either way should be fun. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You’ll be running fast, but going nowhere. Get off the treadmill and do some real work. Aries (March 21 – April 19) When you come in contact with the opposite sex, you should just blurt out the first thing that pops into your mind. This is an open and honest way to meet people. Try not to be thinking about peanut butter. All other topics should be fine, but peanut butter will kill this budding romance in it’s tracks. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Put others before yourself today. This change in your routine will throw everyone off kilter and in their confusion, all eyes will be on you! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) By admitting you have a problem, you can start to work on it and begin to heal. You are also admitting that you are not the perfect creature, worthy of adoration and praise that you have grown accustomed to. Man! That’s a tough choice. Flip a coin, it always works for us. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Go with the salad today. No, this isn’t some lame veiled attempt to get you to eat better. Juan dropped your steak on the floor. Twice. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Remember when the going gets tough, the tough get going. While you are home this evening, wash some clothes already. Yours are almost strong enough to go to work by themselves. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Just in case you get to thinking that you are invincible, remember every good hero has his own kryptonite. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Who are we kidding, we looked it up and saw your picture. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will feel like the new transfer student. From Siberia. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Try to be inconspicuous today. Just blend in with the scenery. You can’t afford to be pointed out today.]]]]> ]]>