If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Your birthday has been overshadowed (once again) by Father’s Day. We know that you’re frustrated, but think of it this way. This year people are focused on someone else and really don’t realize how truly miserable you actually are… that is unless you’re a father and then… well… Sucks to be you! Happy Fathirth Day… and no… that wasn’t a play on the word as if someone with a lisp says it… come to think of it… how cruel is the word lisp… people who have one can’t say it properly. Geez!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You did not avoid the bald spot in your spouse’s head yesterday. Today will bring excruciating pains in your pinky toe on your left foot. Be thankful that your spouse didn’t know how to properly construct the voodoo doll!Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You really should seek help. You read that a storm was brewing so you got your frosty mug out of the freezer and went and stood outside hoping to catch some brew. First… it will never rain beer. Second… You stood out in the hot sun hoping for beer to fall into a cold glass. Don’t you think that the hot brew might just have broken the glass?Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You’ll finally be on television tonight. It’s your fault, though. You wouldn’t have been seen wearing those stylish bracelets and that bright jumpsuit if you had stayed away from the liquor store!Aries (March 21 – April 19) They say that when you laugh, the world laughs with you, but after hearing your laugh, we believe that the world is laughing AT you.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You should probably kick that slacker out of your house. In one more week, they will actually be recognized by the court as your common-law spouse.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You need not worry about the heat, nor the humidity today. It’s still gonna be hot as the fires of Hades and so humid that you could steam clean your carpet, but those should not be worries of yours. What you should be worried about is the guy around the corner who is texting while walking. He’s gonna knock you down and then steal your wallet!Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The object of your affection has no response to your feelings. That’s not really surprising given the fact that you’ve never actually spoken to them. If you don’t do something really soon, they’re gonna think that you’re a stalker and get a restraining order!Leo (July 23 – August 22) Learn to speak Japanese. It will help you in your new career. Believe us… there’s a change coming your way. Do itashi mashiteVirgo (August 23 – September 22) Try not breathing through your nose today. The water was off for a while and lots of people didn’t get to take a shower.Libra (September 23 – October 22) The people of Gonzonitakrit, the 438th moon of the 29th planet in the Blazturgonia system (near the Little Dipper’s bottom corner), have elected you as “Earth’s Emperor of Cake Icing.” They will be here next Tuesday to present you with your commemorative coin. Wear something dressy. It’s an important occasion for them.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will receive a letter from Elvis that explains the true meaning behind the movie Flaming Star. He will go on to explain that the song Follow That Star is actually a roadmap to an underground bunker where he hid his nuclear arsenal. Whatever you do, don’t read the rest of the letter. The Men in Black will be visiting you and you don’t need to know what’s on page 6 when they get there.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) We’re a little disappointed in you.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.