Horoscopes for June 2, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You should ask yourself one simple question today.  “Has everything that I have worked for worth that piece of cake?” The answer is simple….  Dang Skippy!  Enjoy a healthy dose of Sugar, Lard, Yellow No. 5, Red No. 3, Enriched Wheat Flour, Powdered Eggs and Milk.  Yum, Yum, Yum!!!  (And don’t forget the heaping scoopful of artificially colored and flavored ice cream!) Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Leave the first letter off of every word that you type today.  It will keep those you communicate with on their toes. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You have been watching WAAAAAAY too much television news.  You’re end of discussions about politics with your friends are beginning to sound exactly like the talking heads on the cable news channels.  Turn the channel… Maybe it’s time to learn how to form your own opinion about things. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your butt has a flat spot.  It’s from sitting in your computer chair.  You should get you one of those ergonomic chairs that will mold your butt back into shape. Aries (March 21 – April 19) There is a strange smell that emerges from your toilet after you…. well… go number 2….  it’s a lot different than normal… it smells like mildew.  This is odd.   We are wondering if you need to go get checked out… Can the human body grow mold and mildew on the inside?  If so, what do you do to get rid of it?  It’s not like you can drink Tilex… that would kill you. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) DON’T PANIC… that’s the rule of the day… not just the cover of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will have the chance to become a world famous movie reviewer today, but will not be able to decide how to write a review of Kung Pow:  Enter the Fist! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You still need a haircut.  Go see a stylist… and while you’re at it… get them to shave those wild hairs growing off the edge of your ears and see if they can zap that one eyebrow hair that grows straight out towards other people…. it’s kinda creepy… like it’s trying to get away from you. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your life is becoming more and more like being a “jobber” in the professional wrestling world.  That means that you are, more and more often, left “looking at the lights” at the end of the match…. and if you don’t know what that means, you are probably better off living in a world where kayfabe still exists. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Grab flowers… they will be useful later in the day. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Today is not the day to forget to shower.  Being late is more preferable than going without a shower… and Febrezing yourself won’t help either. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Think happy thoughts, but understand that you’re gonna have to have a root canal and there’s no amount of happy thoughts that will take away that pain… luckily there is Novocaine. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) When you think about opening your mouth and standing up for yourself… do the opposite.  You will only make a scene and get yourself tossed out of the best job that you can find.  Sit down, shut up and get back to work.. things will get better at a later date.]]]]> ]]>