Horoscopes for June 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! This will be your year! Doors will automatically open for you, people will offer you all types of goodies, and you will hear music coming from out of nowhere. And that’s just in the mall! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will get a warm fuzzy feeling all over. Then the paramedics will revive you and everything will be alright. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) This will be one of those days that your Mama warned you about. You should just chill out at the house and pray that Monday passes you by without too much notice. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t worry about looking both ways. Just jump in and live your life free! We’re sure that everyone has good brakes. Aries (March 21 – April 19) This is no day for you to be sitting around on your laurels. If you want to see change you have to make a dollar first. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) All the lies in the world will not get you out of the hole you have dug for yourself. Back hoe rentals are really cheap. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Pretend you are a bunny and hop everywhere you go today. When next Easter rolls around, you will have a whole new appreciation for the real Easter Bunny. We’ll drop off some muscle rub. You will thank us tomorrow. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Just when you think you have figured out all of the answers, the questions change. And somehow, you got stuck in Spanish. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Keep you chin held high. Unless you are one of those poor people who actually has no chin. Then you should keep your head low so not expose your vulnerable throat. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) It is not a crime to look at a pretty girl, but what you’re doing is not looking by any stretch of the imagination. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it whenever you think about eating chocolate. Yummy, delicious, melt in your mouth gooey chocolate. Once that wrist swells beyond recognition, put the rubber band on the other wrist. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) This is you last opportunity to get in on the fun. If you miss out today, you can give up on fun for the rest of your life. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Hold it in. If you cry in public, you will never be seen the same again.]]]]> ]]>