Horoscopes for June 22, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! It’s time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood.  There were a few bright moments, including that time you got to meet that really sweet counselor who let you play with her child.  You’ll be running into that child today, who is, like you, all grown up and really hot! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will receive a package in the mail wrapped in a plain brown wrapper.  If you’re sensitive about such things, just let it sit there and confront your best friend about having that stuff sent to your house.  You don’t need everyone in the neighborhood thinking you’re a freak. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) So… your bumper sticker says that God is your co-pilot.  If that’s the case, who chooses the radio station? Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You’re beginning to feel the rhythm, the problem is that the rhythm you’re feeling is the same rhythm that a two year old has when they use the pots and pans for drums! Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should see this!  The sun is in the middle of your sign today.  Try not to stare directly into it! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’ve been watching that weird auction for a while now.  Today, you’ll find another religious relic that will be of even more interest to you – and there’s a “Buy it Now” button that’s within your grasp.  Just think… in 10 – 15 business days you could be holding the decaying coccyx of St. Sean, the Patron Saint of Couch Potatoes.  Be forewarned:  The reliquary that comes with the relic isn’t the one pictured on the auction page – it’s just a Ziploc bag. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will long for the days when televisions had control knobs for the horizontal and vertical settings. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Great news… You’ve been pre-approved for a Platinum Card.   All you have to do is send them $2,000, the title to your house, the title to your car and the social security numbers of your entire family.  We think it sounds too good to be real, but you need to make your own decisions. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will smell something really awful today… we think it’s our cousin Nate.  The last time we saw him he said that he was gonna go spelunking underneath your bed.  If you find him, please treat him with respect instead of pulling your normal “I’m disgusted and freaking out” routine. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will begin to believe in aliens when you see strange lights in the sky that you cannot explain.  We saw them last night and we’re working on trying to figure them out now. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Resist the urge to swipe your card… use cash.   Through some strange quirk, your account has been overdrawn and you’ll be embarrassed to hear those words, “I’m sorry, your card has been denied.” Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You’re finding it hard to get into the Christmas spirit.   There’s a reason for that.  Look at your calendar!   Either you’re late or just trying to be extremely well prepared.  Either way – It’s just weird. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Sagittarius is normally dynamic, outgoing and ambitious, but then there’s you.  Go figure.]]]]> ]]>