Horoscopes for June 23, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You want balloons.  Did you know that many of those balloons that escape wind up landing in the ocean.  So go ahead and celebrate you turtle killer! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Dress up like a clown today.  Wear big shoes and big ties with baggy clothes, but don’t worry about the red nose.  You don’t want to overdo it. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Everything you attempt will end in failure… thank your lucky stars otherwise there might be three little yous running around about nine months from now! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) When that guy screams at you to stop what you’re doing, he means breathing.  You should really try to steer clear of him.  He really doesn’t like you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will long for the times when your house did not move all the time! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You have believed that time will heal all wounds for your entire life, but today your faith in that will be shaken when you consider what time does to heal the wounds of those who have been decapitated. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will think of that commercial you saw when you were a kid.  “This is your brain on drugs.”  That line will be in your head today and you just won’t be able to bring yourself to eat brains.. we mean eggs. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Give it up.   The dream you’ve had will be completely ruined when you realize that the relationship is simply platonic. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will feel vindicated today when you find proof of your theory that the electric company actually controls all of the power! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The stars feel that you doubt that they are in control of your destiny.  They are disappointed.  Who do you think controls your destiny?  It’s certainly not you!  If left to your own devices, you’d have been killed in a car crash when you were twelve, but the stars had something different in mind for you.  You shouldn’t make them feel like they made the wrong decision. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The number eight keeps appearing to the stars.  Maybe today is a good day to go see Super 8.  We’re not sure, but it’s worth a shot! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Upon digging up your extremely well preserved remains, future archaeologist will be relived that they were not alive when you were. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) That dating video you made will go viral and inspire thousands of children to get a better education so that they can grow up and be better than you.  Wow.  You finally made a difference in this world.]]]]> ]]>