Horoscopes for June 25, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will be shocked to find out how old you really are. Your mother has hid the truth from you for a long time in hopes of building your self esteem. Epic fail. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) M&M’s are your friends today. Your only friends. Won’t they be disappointed that they put their trust in you. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Yonder stars hold something special for you. We mean special as in dream crushing, agonizing pain. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Blaze a new trail for yourself today. The Department of transportation might not appreciate your new driving lanes, but you gotta be you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Yar! Somebody will shiver your timbers today. Wipe that smile off your face. It is nowhere near as pleasant as it sounds. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Wrap yourself in duct tape and try to convince everyone that you are an alien. This is a no lose plan. Either they will think you are an outter space alien and you will get to meet the president or they will think that you are an illegal alien and nothing will happen at all. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Don you gayest apparel. So what if it isn’t Christmas. Do you really need a reason to party down. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) People will look up to you today. What else did you think you would happen when you put on stilts? Leo (July 23 – August 22) Somebody will planning on jumping out and scaring you really bad. Pack a changing of clothes. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Talk in foreign accents. Make sure you change your accent with each new person you meet. Everyone will talk about all of the out of town traffic we have be having. Only you will know the truth. You have to take joy in the little things. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Try to not make anybody angry today. If this means you have no human contact, then so be it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You need to do something with your hair. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) There is no help for you. We try and try, but it’s just no use.]]]]> ]]>