If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Dealing with your birthday has brought the painful mental image of your mother and father at the moment of your conception to the forefront of your brain. We would suggest a lobotomy, but we’re not sure that would help!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Two words that will help you deal with this day: Chocolate Ice CreamAquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will have an experience today that you will not soon forget… you’d like to, but the billing department at the hospital won’t.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You would love to wake up and realize that your life is all a dream, but God has not seen fit to ring your alarm clock yet. Deal with it.Aries (March 21 – April 19) The stars tell us that you will eat something today. You know. We’re not sure they’re giving you 100% today.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will step into the shower and someone will flush a toilet. Be careful.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should try something adventurous for dinner. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to eat while the blind knife thrower practices.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The events of today will solidify the fact that salt is not good to rub into wounds.Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will be chased by a reporter because of your relationship to that political candidate.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You need to prepare for the fact that you have gone as far in your career as you can possibly go. Sorry.Libra (September 23 – October 22) There is no logical reason for you to still have a mullet. Think about making an appointment with a stylist.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will win any game you play today, as long as your opponent in under the age of three.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your existence on this earthly plane is completely dependent upon you knowing the chemical composition of nitrous oxide and it’s effect on the human body.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.