Horoscopes for June 27, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Your day will be filled with well-wishers that you never really thought would be interested in wishing you a happy birthday.  You will be equally surprised to see many of them turn up at your birthday party.  They’re only there to see the look on your face when you open the gag gift that your best friend has been talking about for a month.  Be prepared for anything. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You are experiencing dizzyness, swollen & painful joints and headaches.  We’ve asked the stars about your condition and they’re consulting WebMD to find out what illness that you may be suffering from.  They wanted us to ask you what drugs you’re taking. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your visit to the doctor will land you in the American Medical Journal.  Hey… you’re name will be remembered by medical professionals forever.  You’ve finally achieved a form of immortality!  Whoopee! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are thinking about spending money on clothes.  Can we suggest that you purchase something that covers more skin.  It would be appreciated by everyone else in the world.  At the very least…. don’t buy sandals.  You can’t see your toes… why should we!?! Aries (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the feeling that there’s more to life than “rinse, lather, repeat.”  Maybe you should have chosen a different career – maybe you’re not cut out for being a dog washer. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your friends will be delighted today.  You are coming down with laryngitis. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your weekend long drinking binge has left you very confused and wondering why you are wearing your best friend’s underwear. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) A talkative stranger at an adjoining table during lunch will help you to realize all of the things that are wrong with your life.  The aftermath could be serious! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You like chicken.  That’s a fact that cannot be ignored, especially since the whole clucking incident! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The discovery of the cache of chocolate in your pantry will lead to a wonderful night in front of the television. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Jupiter has decided that it no longer likes hanging out with Scorpio and has begun it’s move into your sign.  We translate this as “Big freakin’ changes are on the way!” Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t be afraid of your hopes and dreams… unless your hopes and dreams include being chased by a knife wielding mad man who is bent on cutting you into unrecognizable, easily disposable pieces. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You have the thanks of a grateful nation for your decision to travel abroad, but other countries aren’t comfortable about your visit and have begun calling our State Department.]]]]> ]]>