Horoscopes for June 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: Celebrate by yelling, “Yippeee!” every 45.9 seconds. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Just when you thought you were safe. That thing from under your bed as a child has returned. This time it means business. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Don’t bother shaving today. You are gonna get fired anyway. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) All of the things you love will melt away. Bet you thought it was a good idea to put your chocolate collection on display on your dashboard. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Be brave, the hard times are just around the corner. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Flattery will get you everywhere today. Lay it on thick and heavy. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should skip the tanning bed for the rest of the week. You are looking kinda leathery. Just a little. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) An interesting stranger will come along and give you hope in humanity. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Never ever for as long as you live and even after your death ever do that again. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will be made a believer by night fall. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Keep the table in the upright and locked position, no matter what the flight attendant tells you. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Make believe will be your friend today. You can pretend that people like you. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You need to do your homework today. You’re gonna get schooled tomorrow.]]]]> ]]>