Horoscopes for June 3, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  This will be your year to soar. Or at least you will think you can fly after all of your friend over-inflate your ego with their lavish praise today. Yes, it was all lies. Sorry. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Learning to balance marshmallows on your nose is a very important skill in the life of a carnie. Oh, good luck in your new job! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) It’s that time of year again. Don’t play dumb, you know what we are talking about. You must prepare for the coming onslaught. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You should start to stockpile food. We have it on good authority that today is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. It will start out very slowly at first in a remote part of Kansas. you have time if you act now. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your twitter account will be hacked today and raunchy pictures of you sent to the national media. It could be worse. Your name could be something mildly humorous. Oh, wait. Nevermind. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Don’t listen to that little voice in the back of your mind. It’s really your late Uncle Marty trying to get you to go to the strip club. He’s a sneaky one so don’t get duped. Those $1’s are hard to come by these days. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) A fancy bird will land on your shoulder with promise of sweet news. He will pause long enough to leave you a present on your shoulder. So much for your promise of sweet news. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your neighbors are all working extra hard in their yards just to make you look bad. You can either give in to the pressure or do what you always do and ignore the Joneses. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You have to sit down and finally figure out a budget. It should be an easy task as long as you have enough red ink pens. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Go the extra mile to make today wonderful. It may actually be closer to 5 miles or so. Just make sure you turn right at the sleeping Saint Bernard. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Tuesday’s gone. Actually so are Wednesday and Thursday. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today keep in mind the most important advice ever given: Never Let ’em See You Sweat! Call into work and crank the air all the way up. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Walk backwards into doorways today. This will, hopefully, fool the bad juju into thinking you are someone else. If it doesn’t work, we are sorry and it’s been nice knowing you and all that stuff and such.]]]]> ]]>