Horoscopes for June 5, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will need to buy new pants in the very near future.  Your rear end will start expanding at the rate that the eco-freaks say that the ice caps are retreating. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) YAY!!! We see that you took our advice.  Your palms are orange… it’s either that you took our advice or you were putting on tanning lotion and we like to think that it the former rather than the latter. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will ask someone to make you a Coke today, but you will be surprised when you realize that the person you ask has mystical powers and really doesn’t like you and actually turns you into a glass of Coke. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Continue about your day as if you don’t know that there will be a horrible accident involving a toner cartridge, a small bird and a bottle of cheap bourbon. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Say the first thing that comes to your mind today when people talk to you.  Tell them you are playing word association and try to get them to play along.  When they do, play for a few and then say your name.  Be prepared for the consequences. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will burst into tears for no apparent reason today…. at least it won’t be apparent to the people around you, but deep down inside, you know that you’ll be crying because you just can’t stand being the way you are anymore. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’ll be flocked today!!!  Pink flamingo statues will be placed in your yard.   Just know that it’s all in good fun and count your blessings that it’s not real flamingos… they’re messy. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Say no to rugs. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Just have fun today.  When you speak to people, do your best Bert Case impression. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Get a piece of cardboard and a crayon before you head out.  It’s hard to panhandle without a sign. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You need to wear different shoes.  The ones that you have been wearing smell so bad that people can smell you coming.  You’re just so used to the smell that you don’t notice it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) We’re very sorry about the Dusty Rhodes reference in yesterday’s horoscope.  That’s what we heard from your stars, but they were actually telling us that you were going to be caught on a dusty road today… then they went off on a wrestling related tangent. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Yesterday was so glamorous that you are contemplating heading over to Glamour Shots to have your photo made.  The thing is, you think that’s cool but what you don’t realize is… Glamour Shots went out of style in the 80s and you are that out of touch.  Just go buy yourself a Polaroid and be done with the whole idea.]]]]> ]]>