Horoscopes for June 6, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will join a pretty exclusive club today.  The club is called SHADBAC.  It’s an acronym for Sweaty Hot Adults Deserted By Air Conditioners.  You’ll be needing a repairman. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will created an entirely new level of weirdness today when you admit your secret, guilty pleasure to everyone at work by sending the e-mail confession to the wrong person. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Rinse, Lather, Repeat.. Repeatedly please…. and don’t just apply that to your hair… Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You have been weighed, measured and you have been found wanting! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Keep telling yourself that lie for long enough and you’ll begin to believe it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There are a few things that you should know about your life.  We will spend the rest of the week letting you know what they are, but since it’s Monday and you’re already off to a bad start for the week, we just wanted to prepare you for things to come. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Real flamingos will visit you later this week.  Their plastic counterparts attracted them to the area.  Be prepared for mess. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) When, in the course of today’s events, you come across someone begging for change, be sure to give them whatever spare coins that you have.  One of them is really in need and the others are just gonna buy booze, but you’ll have the pleasure of knowing that you contributed to multiple parties and helped someone in need.  Try to get receipts when you make your donations… maybe you can write them off on your taxes. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Stare at the sky and see if you can tell what your stars are jabbering on about.  It sounds like there are a few of them arguing about what they’re gonna do next December after the world ends, but we’re not sure. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Panhandling isn’t your thing.  You made a grand total of 13 cents yesterday.   You really should embark on a new career path. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You are low on disk space.  To free up space, delete everything but your photos.  You really don’t need anything else. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Grab a box of Cheerios and a gallon of milk.  This is a day for the small comforts. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Speak only when spoken to.  Listen attentively to every word that is said to you.  Let a period of time pass before you respond..  You filter is in need of replacing and you might say some things that you will regret if you don’t follow our advice.]]]]> ]]>