Horoscopes for June 7, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Celebrate by going to Chuck E. Cheese. Who cares how old you are. You know in your heart that you aren’t a perv. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Younger people will have a problem understanding your lingo today. Maybe you should avoid using words link “Totally Rad” and “Far Out Man”. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Race to the finish line today. You will never get ahead with the snail’s pace you have been keeping up. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You long for simpler times. At least that’s what you keep telling yourself when the cable and phone gets turned off later today. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Keep your head up. The water can’t rise much more. Right? Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Think of all the money you will save on shampoo. Oh, wait. You won’t actually save that money until tomorrow. Somebody made a certain other somebody very angry and that other somebody will break in and shave your head tonight. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) When tempers start to rise today you should keep one thing in mind: At least in jail they feed you. So, cut loose and let your inner lion roar in your own defense. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Wringing your hands together will only give you rough skin. Get off your lazy rump and affect the outcome of your own situation. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Somebody has been very naughty and will be punished accordingly. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Please. In the name of all that you believe in, stop this charade before you hurt yourself. It’s not even cute anymore. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You need a hobby. And, no, following that blond home from the supermarket everyday is now a hobby. You should reevaluate your actions and make some adjustments. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Go ahead. You are going to do what you wanna do, no matter what your stars say. We are fresh out of kisses for your bo-bos though. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Stare into the darkness and you will only see darkness staring back. Or maybe you went blind. Who really knows what the stars mean with their cryptic mumbo jumbo.]]]]> ]]>