Horoscopes for June 8, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Your day will go swimmingly.  That’s another way of saying that you’re going to fall into a pool of water.   Just hope that it’s clean water that you fall into. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Bark at people.  It’s fun… we did it… the reactions that you get will entertain you.  Ahh… the simple pleasures! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Work your abs today.  Sit really close to the table and use your stomach muscles to push your chair back. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The message “The wireless customer you are trying to reach is not available at this time” is code for “Your number has been blocked you freakin’ stalker.  STOP CALLING!”  You should really find someone else to turn your attention to. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Raindrops will fall from the sky and dampen your windshield, which will turn the dust that the glass has collected into mud.  It will do this while you are driving.  Be careful… or just wash your car already! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Save the planet.  Wear a dirty shirt. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Take a really simple piece of advice… If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will be unavoidably attracted to a microphone.  Don’t let your lips touch the thing.  It’s evil and will send a shock through your body. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Relieve yourself.  Find a person to tell your secrets to.  It will help you to get the load off of your soul, but will slightly disturb the person you speak to.  Make sure that the person you seek out is a stranger.  It will help you avoid any future awkward moments. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Turn the radio up.  Let your hair down and relish in the fact that you are the closet freak that you are. Libra (September 23 – October 22) It’s not every day that someone as unique as you comes into existence and that fact should be celebrated… by everyone Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You don’t like to tell people this, but we don’t mind… your secret wish is to know what Fahrvergnügen means.  Wish granted… there are two meanings.. 1 – German marketing word derived from the words fahren (to drive) & Vergnügen (pleasure) 2 – A word used by people who constantly find themselves pushing their car. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The word of the day is patience.  You will need patience to deal with your work-life, home-life and family-life.  If you don’t have patience, the hospital may wind up with patients.]]]]> ]]>