Horoscopes for March 1, 2011

If today is your birthday: Speak your mind. That is unless your mind tells you not to speak. Then all you can do is try not to freak out in public. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Pretend that you are guiding a giant balloon in a parade. Wobble from side to side with your hands in front of you holding the strings. Every now and then, say, “Wooaahhh!” Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Repetition is the key to success today. Repetition is the key to success today. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Throw the whole ‘team mentality’ thing out the window. You should be out for you (and the rats) today. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will feel like a stranger in your own home tonight. It of course doesn’t help that you drove to your old address and the new owners won’t stop crying, “Please don’t kill us!”   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Just when you are getting the hang of your new job, they throw a curveball at you. “You want me to offer them fries AND pie?!?” Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Hard times are ahead. You should be proactive and start a firefly farm to supply everyone with light when electricity gets too expensive. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Look on the bright side. Make sure you put on your shades first. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will be struck with inspiration this afternoon. It will hurt. You will cry. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You should speak extra slowly today. Lllliiiikkkkkeeee ttttthhhiiiisssss. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Say what you mean and make sure that you meant to say it out loud. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Go directly to jail. Don’t even ask about your $200, they don’t like it when you do that. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The status is not quo. It has never been quo. Quo is just a figment of your imagination.]]]]> ]]>