Horoscopes for March 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: Happy Birthday! Now go read that part over and over so it seems like a whole bunch of people showed you some birthday love. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Friendly banter makes the day go by faster, but only if you banter with another person. Bantering with yourself makes your day shorter. If you hide now the men in the white coats won’t catch you. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We know that you started your day off with leftover pizza. That will be the best part of your whole day. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) We know that you are dodging us and we know why. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should probably take a nap today. We know how moody you get when you don’t get your way. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless you run over a cow, then you can cry. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your right hand will find out what your left hand has been up to. A fight will ensue and end up with you clapping frantically. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will spend the day in deep contemplative thought. This is strange uncharted territory for you. Better pack a lunch. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will finally decide to get your act together and stop procrastinating. Tomorrow. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) This is a great day to take up a new hobby. We think it would be really cool to knit with your feet. Libra (September 23 – October 22) It would be a complete waste of time to go to work today. You should stay at home and work on you canasta skills. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) It is a little known fact that Martians love sour cream. You should spread it on all of the window seals in your home. The Martians will eat it and be too full to go for their probes. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Today is a great day to play hopscotch. Oh wait, wouldn’t it be more fun to drink scotch and hop all over town?]]]]> ]]>