Horoscopes for March 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You have many reasons to celebrate today, including, but not limited to, the encouraging results from the health department! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The mouse asking you for a cookie is NOT rabid!  His name is Rupert and he’s supposed to be on a diet.  Please don’t feed him! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The apples you’ve been eating are not affecting your mental health.  Don’t skip that appointment with your counselor. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Waves of excitement will wash over you when you realize that you’ve mastered the paddle-ball.  Too bad that you’ll have to win the a good chunk of the Powerball to cover the damages done to your home in the process. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your day will be rather uneventful and boring…. nothing different from EVERY other day of your life. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will be obsessed with shoelaces today.  Good day for wearing sandals, or even going barefoot. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Be forewarned.  Everything you ever heard about El Chupacabra is true.  He was recently spotted at a local hangout having a drink with Bigfoot and was walking his black panther. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The people you come in contact with today aren’t staring at you.  Stop being so paranoid. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The woodland creatures that are gathering near your home are cause for great concern.  Don’t leave home alone. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Self-destructive tendencies are running high. Check your garbage disposal for errant utensils before turning it on. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) There will be extra stress in your life today.  You should wear even more deodorant than normal. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your personal space bubble has burst. Avoid crowds today or get cozy with smelly strangers.]]]]> ]]>