Horoscopes for March 14, 2011

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If today is your birthday:It’s your birthday! You have many reasons to celebrate today, including, but not limited to, the encouraging results from the health department!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)The mouse asking you for a cookie is NOT rabid!  His name is Rupert and he’s supposed to be on a diet.  Please don’t feed him!Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)The apples you’ve been eating are not affecting your mental health.  Don’t skip that appointment with your counselor.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Waves of excitement will wash over you when you realize that you’ve mastered the paddle-ball.  Too bad that you’ll have to win the a good chunk of the Powerball to cover the damages done to your home in the process.Aries (March 21 – April 19)Your day will be rather uneventful and boring…. nothing different from EVERY other day of your life.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)You will be obsessed with shoelaces today.  Good day for wearing sandals, or even going barefoot.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)Be forewarned.  Everything you ever heard about El Chupacabra is true.  He was recently spotted at a local hangout having a drink with Bigfoot and was walking his black panther.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)The people you come in contact with today aren’t staring at you.  Stop being so paranoid.Leo (July 23 – August 22)The woodland creatures that are gathering near your home are cause for great concern.  Don’t leave home alone.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)Self-destructive tendencies are running high. Check your garbage disposal for errant utensils before turning it on.Libra (September 23 – October 22)Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)There will be extra stress in your life today.  You should wear even more deodorant than normal.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)Your personal space bubble has burst. Avoid crowds today or get cozy with smelly strangers.]]]]> ]]>