Horoscopes for March 16, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Celebrate your special day by trying something new like alpaca shearing. You’ll meet new people and have the materials for a new sweater. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) If you can’t run with the big dogs, call the pound. No since in you watching them have all the fun. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your dreams are crumbling like something that crumbles really easily. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Go for a long walk to clear your mind. We know your mind is already empty, but you still need the exercise. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should start studying to become a specialist. You could specialize in grass removal. Anybody can run a mower, but you will sculpt lawns with your bare hands and tiny toenail clippers. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Let your inner lion roar. No inner lion? Kitties, let out your inner mew. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Ninjas are creeping, just out of sight, waiting to turn you into a kabob. Avoid dark alleys, corners and the basement. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) When life gives you lemons, eat them. They are good for you. No funny faces either. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Through a long exaggerated series of events, you will suffer a serious injury. These events are not carved in stone. All we can say is avoid paper. All paper, including the potty stuff. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) When all else fails, blame it on the other guy. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Take the bus to work today. Just trust us on this one. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Beating yourself up will get you nowhere. Beating up somebody else will take you lots of interesting places, like court and jail. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) If someone asks you for the time, tell them that time is relative and then ask, “Are you my daddy?”]]]]> ]]>