Horoscopes for March 17, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! If you close your eyes and say “I’m not really this old”, nothing will really happen but you can still try. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Uranus will dominate your actions today. Better grab some Pepto Bismol. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Shenanigans threat level is at green. Stay alert. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t believe anything you hear. Earwigs have taken up residence in your ears and are manipulating every one’s words. Aries (March 21 – April 19) People always say that dogs are man’s best friend. We, however, prefer llamas. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Give your house the white glove treatment. No, we don’t mean cleaning. We mean put on your old Micheal Jackson costume and moonwalk down the hall. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You entire belief structure will be shake to it’s core today. We tried to stop them from telling you that there is no Easter Bunny. We can imagine how horrifying it is to that you have been living a lie 30 years of your life, but we are confident you can move past this. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Jump in with both feet! See that wasn’t hard! Tomorrow we move up to the kiddie pool. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will be faced with a very important decision today. When in doubt, close your eyes and pick “eenie meenie miney moe” style. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will spend the day being assaulted by people that you thought were your friends. Told you to wash your green shirt. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Understanding is based in trust. We trust that you understand this. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) By some strange turn of events, when the sun is starting to set, you will be in a headlock in a pool full of jello. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Don’t worry. We’re sure that the results won’t be permanent.]]]]> ]]>