Horoscopes for March 19, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Have fun, go crazy, enjoy yourself, relax! But be prepared to have to wake up very early in the morning, its going to be a wild one! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Spend the day squishing the heads of all of your irritating coworkers. Its completely harmless, but somehow satisfying. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When all else fails, run! If everything else has failed, what makes you think you will miraculously come up with a solution at the last minute. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Once in a while something happens and we think that you may not be quite as dumb you seem to be. Then you go and pull what you are planning on pulling and we have to throw all of that out the window. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will fall under a spell today. You will believe that you are a turnip. As a turnip, you will be hated by all the little kids. Some grownups claim to like you, but they are only doing what they think grownups should do. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Knick-knack paddy whack give the dog a bone. If you make him mad, he’ll run away and you’ll be ALL alone. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Let them eat cake. We have fried chicken, rice and gravy, peas, cornbread and cookies. Oh, and sweet tea! Ahhhh, sweet tea. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You can count on only a few things in life. Your fingers would be our first pick. Leo (July 23 – August 22) In the middle of the night, your neighbor goes walking in the weeds. In front of your bedroom, silently he peeps. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We love that you are branching out and trying new things. We hate that you have found yourself out on a limb. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Don’t cry. It will be better. As soon as you change your complete identity. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The best analogy we can come up with for today is, you will feel like a tether ball. You’ll be soaring along and suddenly, out of nowhere, WHAM! You’ll be forced to change direction. All day long, back and forth, until you are all wrapped up like presents under the Christmas tree. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) When you get ready to make you big, dramatic exit, make sure the door isn’t locked. It will not be very effective when you fall on the floor, screaming and writhing in pain, because you hurt yourself.]]]]> ]]>