Horoscopes for March 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Savor the sweet, sweet success of making it another year. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will -for some inexplicable reason – be afraid of your own shadow today.  We should inform you that your shadow is actually an alien being gathering information about our daily lives. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will want to find the time to apologize to people that you have wronged.  There has been some talk amongst those people about rising up against the people who they feel have held them down and you’re on all their lists.  They will be plotting their revenge.  This will include higher tech versions of the pranks you played on them, but one of them – and we’re not sure which one – is planning on breaking into your house and switching your shampoo with Nair. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Pick up a head of cabbage when you go to the store.  It will come in handy later. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Add toilet paper to your list of things to pick up at the store today.  I know that you already have plenty of TP on hand, but you’re gonna need more.  Trust us.  Lunch will not sit well with you and the TP that you have will give out on you and won’t be there when you need it.  Pick yourself up an extra pack.  Oh… be sure to add gum, razor blades, WD-40, semi-sweet chocolate chips, a dozen frozen burritos and nail polish. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Have you ever considered playing the bagpipes?  No?  You should.  That would make you a less annoying human being. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) That little voice in the back of your head is right. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Sleep will avoid you today.  No matter how many times you turn the alarm on your phone off, it will continue to ring.   We would suggest not attempting to remove the battery because you’ll only freak out when it rings again. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your best friend will ask for your advice.  Tell them that it’s absolutely normal and that it will grow back after a period of time. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The people that you come in contact with today will be fast talkers.  Don’t worry if your brain doesn’t catch everything that they say.  It probably isn’t important anyway.  What is important is that you make sure that you hold eye contact and smile a lot.  It makes them think that you are paying attention to them instead of trying to remember whether you set the DVR to record that show tonight.  By the way… you didn’t! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Don’t skimp on beauty supplies.  Your looks will be the only thing you have going for you later this week. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Invest in a cookbook.   What you’ve been trying to create is going to ruin your relationship…. not just the one you’re in, but every relationship that you have.  What is that stuff you’ve been cooking and sharing with the world.   Stop.  Get yourself a copy of a Belle’s Best for God’s sake.   Those garbanzo beans do NOT go with barbecue chicken and poached eggs.   Ewww.   Your significant other loves you too much to tell you these things but if things don’t change in the kitchen, you won’t be significant to them. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Be yourself!  If you pretend to be someone else, your friends may like them more.]]]]> ]]>