Horoscopes for March 21, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday and you can be a big whinny moaning cry-baby if you want to, but nobody will come to your party. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Wonders never cease!!!  You will get the house spotlessly clean for a grand total of ten minutes before your family comes home and lays your hard work to waste.  Hey… look on the bright side.   Ten minutes is a new record. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You are the most intelligent person that we know.  Oh, no…. this horoscope is not meant for you.  Sorry for the confusion. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) For some strange reason, you will hear train horns blaring all day long.  Don’t ask us what that means.  We don’t know, either.  And no… it’s not just some random thing that we pulled out of mid-air… it’s what’s in your stars.  We did not arrange the stars in order to drive you nuts with the sound of train horns, so stop accusing us! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Stop playing dumb.  You know you took the cookie from the cookie jar. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) When it comes to matters of the heart, your monitors have flat-lined and the doctors are calling for the time. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should apologize to your wife.  It doesn’t matter that you didn’t do anything.  The gesture will go a long way towards improving your sleeping arrangements.  We’re just looking out for you; we know that the couch hurts your back. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Don’t leave your chair.  Really… This is not some lame justification for laziness… The floor around you is actually molten lava.  Touching it with even your toe will make you burst into flames. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Speaking of lame justifications for laziness…  Your floor is not lava, but you can claim that it is because your boss is close to someone who tried to touch the floor and it didn’t end well for them. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Do you remember the dream about the hottie with the sweet smile that was so into you?  That was a really great dream, wasn’t it!? Libra (September 23 – October 22) When the going gets tough, you curl up in the fetal position, suck your thumb and call for your mommy! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) If you make mountains out of mole hills, a giant mole will crawl out, dig you out of your house and gobble you up.  And you thought that they weren’t carnivores. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Is it starve a cold and feed a fever or the other way around?  You should really find out before next week.]]]]> ]]>