Horoscopes for March 23, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Today you will get to eat your cake and have it too. Don’t be excited. You will find out how this all plays out later. Enjoy your margarita. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will try to answer an new age question.  Why do drink machines accept paper money but gas pumps don’t?  Your answer must be type-written and double-space.  Proper punctuation and spelling is required. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) If you are looking to the stars to help guide your path in life, you should probably wear shades during the day because that big star in the sky that we call the sun can blind you if you stare at it directly. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Might we suggest a meal fit for a dorm room.  Ramen Noodles and Potted Meat Sandwiches.  The electric bill will arrive tomorrow and you’ll be thankful that we warned you! Aries (March 21 – April 19) There are a few things that you should avoid today… they include, but are not limited to, using telephones, walking, eating your toenails, sharing Twinkies with the neighbor’s dog, marbles, powdered milk, mints, work, birds that have yellow beaks, apple flavored potato chips, imitation cheese slices, people who have hyphenated last names, energy bars, polyester bed sheets, printed calendars, purple ink pens, fluffy woodland creatures and, above all else, Frisbees. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will spend an inordinately large amount of time today trying to figure out the difference between DVD-R and DVD+R.  This will add to your stress level and will make everyone in the store stare at you strangely.  We suggest using the power of the internet and doing the research there.   You’ll still waste the time, but, unless you’re Skype-ing, no one will be the wiser. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) When in Rome…  wait… if you’re in Rome and I’m sitting here eating Cheetos and writing horoscopes for you to read… there’s a serious problem…  Why didn’t you take me to Rome with you.  What.  You’re too good for the company of a psychotic rat… I mean a psychic reader like me?   I hope the Colisseum falls down while you’re there and the Italian authorities blame you for the whole thing and you get chased by thousands of Romans with big wooden sticks and the Pope denies you asylum, you self-centered, egotistical, pompous…  Oh… sorry… I didn’t see until just now that you planned this trip long before we met….  so… When in Rome… Remember… they didn’t invent pizza… Americans did! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There is no shame in surrender.  Surrender to your inner desire to eat twelve pints of Haagen-Dazs ice cream while watching Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Big & Turner & Hooch.  It’s a Tom Hanks kind of day.  Avoid re-runs of Bosom Buddies! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will see an unusually large amount of paper clips today.  Have some fun… hook them together and try to make a tree for Christmas. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The answer you seek is written on the back of a napkin that was thrown in the trash bin near the corner of Washington and Clay Streets.  If you get there quickly, you’ll be able to dig it out before Bubba throws his spit cup on top of it. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will develop an aversion to scented candles.  There’s nothing wrong with your nose.  One of your friends replaced all of your candles with prank candles that smell like cow patties. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Yesterday was a figment of your imagination. So yesterday is today and today won’t happen until tomorrow. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Go nuts.  Really.  You should have some cashews, walnuts, almonds… some sort of nut should really be in your pocket today.  The squirrels will demand them.  Oh… by the way.  They hate, and we mean HATE, pistachios.]]]]> ]]>