If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday, time to take all that change that you’ve been collecting to the bank so that you’ll be able to pay the extremely high bar tab your “friends” are gonna stick you with! Happy freakin’ birthday to you! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The satellite dish that you had when you were a kid will make a perfectly good base for that hovercraft you’ve been thinking of building. Might we suggest that you give us time to take out a life insurance policy on you before you decide to test it! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) It’s time to change the light bulb in the bathroom. With as much time as you’ll be spending in there over the next few days, you’ll be driven crazy by that little flickering thing it does now. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Today will be an extraordinarily brilliant day for you. The thoughts that run through your brain will be lots less… umm… how do we say this… uhh… unintellectual than every other day in your life. Capitalize on it. Spend your day writing down every single thought that you have. Who knows, maybe you’ll be able to understand what you wrote today when you read it tomorrow and the trend will continue! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Some random telemarketer will call on you in the very near future. Your best bet is to answer the call and suggest to the telemarketer that you are only interested in purchasing whatever it is that they have if they come to your house at 3 am next Saturday morning dressed up in a nurse’s outfit, complete with stethoscope. Either you’ll have a great time taking pictures of them trying desperately to make a buck, or they won’t call you anymore. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your life is going to be forever changed. A “little person” in a green suit will be smiling at you when you open your kitchen cabinet. He will be the bearer of something wonderful. Oh…wait… that’s just a box of Lucky Charms… Hey… can we have a bowl? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Cutting your budget does not mean using scissors to cut your paper money in half, your gonna need to buy some tape… and do yourself a favor… take the penny out of the vice-grips… you cannot get blood out of it… I know that it tastes like blood, but that’s just a coincidence. Gee Whiz. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This will be a great day for catching up with friends… we’re sorry that you don’t have any. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Sepll cechk cnaont hlep you tdoay. You sohld porbably saty aawy form sndenig e-mials, txet msesganig, bolggnig… We tihnk wv’ee mdae our ponit. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We are giving you this warning a day early… We know that you’re not really in need of it today, but it’s going to be super-duper important tomorrow. Your feet smell really bad, so we suggest that you air your shoes out tonight and powder them before you put them on tomorrow. You’ll see. Take our advice and you’ll be okay tomorrow. Today is fine, tomorrow.. not so much! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Do not decide to use the powertools today. There’s nothing bad that will come of it, we’re just telling you that so when your honey asks you to get at that particular task on the “Honey-Do” list… you can tell them that we told you to stay away from them. It’s written in your stars… we know these things… we’re what you might call “experts” Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The answers you are looking for are as follows: 1 – dolphins, 2 – Douglas Adams, 3 – Arthur Kent, 4 – Zaphod Beeblebrox, 5 – Eddie is an android, not a robot, 6 – 42, 7 – Tricia McMillian, 8 – Yes, they do still exist. We know many people who live their lives in nudist colonies, 9 – Joe Frazier, 10 – Cassius Clay. We have one question. What do nudists & Muhammad Ali have to do with Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The meeting that you have been looking forward to will go very pleasantly for you. The person you meet with will be much more impressed with you if you will refrain from wearing that shirt that you are so fond of. As a matter of fact, most of the people that you know will be happy if you decided to take that shirt and burn it. Here’s what you should do. Go to the mall. There are a few decent clothing stores there. Search for a shirt that is less colorful. Might we suggest something earthy in it’s appearance… earthy but monochomatic. We’re not fashionistas, by any means, but we know what people think about that shirt and what they think would look better on you. And stop wearing that hat. It does not become you.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.