If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will be showered with much love and adulation. Too bad it isn’t water. You could use that. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will do things that are completely out of character. Tomorrow, when you feel like your normal self, you will get to find out how everyone really feels about you. Maybe you should try to be the person you are today everyday. That way you can have friends everyday. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will feel the overwhelming urge to pout and have yourself a little pity party. Don’t give in to the temptation. If you have a pity party, Mary will want to come and you know that she will eat everything in the house and ruin the whole party anyway, so why bother. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) At the end of the day you will realize that this horoscope was dead on. There is no way that we could have been more right. If we were more correct, it would be a crime and we hate law breakers. Today’s horoscope is: Today will be a day. WOW! Go ahead and marvle at our insight and intuition. Aries (March 21 – April 19) We wrote down what was gonna happen… now what did we do with it… we know that we laid it down right over here, where we wouldn’t forget where it was… we checked the microwave, the freezer and the place where we hide the remote control from Germaine. Hmmm.. We remember that it said something about rechargeable batteries and strange vibrations, but just can’t remember what exactly… Hmm… we’ll text you if we find it! Yes. We know your number. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You didn’t share your Lucky Charms with us and now we’re mad at you so we’re not providing you with a horoscope. Meanie! We know that it’s childish, but we don’t care. What you can’t see is that we’re sticking out our tongues at you! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) There are things in life that you will never fully understand. Things like Einstein, what really happened to the dinosaurs, whether theoretical physicists get paid real money and what Lost was really all about. Don’t think about these things too much. The tiny gears in your brain may start to turn at a higher velocity than they were intended to turn and may cause a fire. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There is a large spider living directly under your keyboard. Do not be alarmed. She’s only finding the perfect place to raise her young. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The hills and valleys that you have been experiencing lately will seem like a kiddie ride when you’re done with today. Take extra clothes, including underwear, with you wherever you go. You might need them. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today you will wish that your thoughts moved as fast as your lips. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The answers that you seek will not be found at the bottom of the bottle you are thinking about drinking. The only thing that’s at the bottom of the bottle is the raised markings made by the manufacturer to identify the bottle… of course that may be the answers you were looking for. Then there’s this… if you do happen to drink the contents of the bottle and also find the answers you were looking for… the answers were not at the bottom of the bottle, but rather contained within the liquid you ingested and that’s how the answer made it all the way to your feeble little brain. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Huey Lewis told you that the Power of Love will keep you home at night. That was more than a quarter of a century ago. You’re beginning to realize that Huey was right, but he wasn’t talking about the love between two people, he was talking about your love for pizza. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Today you will realize that behind every successful man is a little boy randomly pushing buttons and exclaiming, “Wonder what this button does?”]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.