Horoscopes for March 31, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! It’s time to put away your toys.  Your party will begin in a few hours and you wouldn’t want anyone to know that you’re still playing with Barbie dolls.  Sicko! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) There are over 6.9 million germs lurking in your kitchen.  Compare that to the 2.1 million that are lurking in the bathroom and it makes you wonder why you cook your food in the kitchen. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The stars are coming into alignment.  Too bad that your wheels are headed in the other direction. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will not be able to perform the tasks that you have planned for yourself today, not like that’s any different from normal.  Do what you should have done a long time ago… Aim lower! Aries (March 21 – April 19) They say that discretion is the better part of valor.  If that’s true, what are indiscretions the better part of? Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 1:14 p.m. – Remember that time.  Not only is it the time the train will get to Chicago, but it’s also the exact moment that you will finally solve that math problem from the eighth grade! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We have big plans for you.  Really.  Go to the hardware store and look for the plans.  They’re contained in a large book that’s on aisle three.  Once you find them, contact us and we’ll tell you what they’re for. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) It’s okay.  We’re sure that there are perfectly good recipes for goat stew.  Just start surfing and stop panicking.  We’re sure that your other half won’t notice for a day or two and by that time, they’ll have helped you dispose of the evidence! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Yesterday’s horoscope was a false warning… we’re sorry, but it happens sometimes.  Today’s forecast is kinda hazy, but it looks like it’s gonna be a Banner day.  Be on the lookout for a really big guy with green skin and purple pants.  His name is David Banner and he’s a little worked up, but if you sing the Jason Mraz song “I’m Yours” really softly, he’ll calm down.  When he does, don’t make him angry… you won’t like him when he’s angry. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Life is like a cage match.  The obstacles you must overcome are like “foreign objects” tossed into the ring by your opponent’s manager, but at the end of the match, you’ll always wind up “looking at the lights!” Libra (September 23 – October 22) A mysterious package will turn up on your doorstep today.  Don’t open it.  It’s a fruitcake that your aunt sent you about three years ago.  Just toss it away and forget that you ever saw it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will be wondering what you forgot to do this morning.  Nobody else will… they’ll all know that you forgot to bathe! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) What you did last winter was extremely honorable!  You should be commended.  The key part of that last sentence is SHOULD BE.  Avoid contact with strangers today.  One of them is going to attempt to hand you an envelope.  It will contain a summons.  You’re being sued.  See how you are!]]]]> ]]>