Horoscopes for March 5, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday, show everybody how excited you are by wearing only your birthday suit everywhere you go. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Don’t get mad, get even. A little super glue goes a long way. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Never mix horror movies and Italian. The results are unpredictable and include but not limited to being rolled over by giant meatballs. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will spend the morning completely consumed by silly putty. Uuumm, have fun? Aries (March 21 – April 19) The love of your life will make you angry. How is someone supposed to know that you keep your spare cash in an old can labeled “crap”. If you leave now, you may just make it to the landfill in time.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You don’t get to be sick today. The world needs a hero. If you are out sick, who will point the bat symbol at the sky. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Take a walk on the wild side, only lather and rinse. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Due to legal restraints, we have been put under a gag order about the events that may or may not (For legal reasons, we had to say “may not”. We are not second guessing ourselves.) happen today. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Take a little extra fiber this morning. You don’t want to be “full of it”. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Nobody is buying what your are selling. Have you thought about getting a little monkey that plays the cymbals? Libra (September 23 – October 22) You can either eat or be eaten! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Make a big deal out of ordinary daily things in your life. You could throw a party for yourself in honor of cleaning the kitchen. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Contrary to what the directions say, it is perfectly normal to have a few leftover parts.]]]]> ]]>