Horoscopes for March 8, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s you birthday. Celebrate by having caviar. If the restaurant you choose doesn’t serve caviar, cry. Be overly dramatic. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will think it is a different day all day. This happens to everyone every now and then. But you think it’s Friday, April 27, 1972. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will be carefree today. Aren’t you glad we spiked your sweet tea last night. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Take an extra vitamin this morning. You are going to need all the help you can get. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Pygmy pigmy rats are on the march. They are so small that they san slip between the seal on the fridge and steal all the leftovers.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Avoid all green foods today. Atmospheric conditions and a strange anomily will cause you to confuse green and spoiled. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) 87% of people who read this will be so shocked, they read it twice. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Don’t settle for anything less than perfection. Translation: Don’t settle. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will have the overwhelming urge to cry in public today. The pride police think this is a very bad move. We, however, are all in favor of personal expression. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) A strange lady will chase you around, trying to poison you. Oh, wait, she’s just a nice sample lady. Whew, that was scary. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will get into big trouble. As a preventative measure, go stand in a corner. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t play the fool. You can play the lute, flute or lyre, but never the fool. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Are you sure you want to wear that shirt with those pants?]]]]> ]]>