Horoscopes for May 1, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Whoop-tee-doo!  Look at you… another day older and deeper in debt.  Boy… the hits just keep on coming! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) We are sure that today will change your life. We are not sure how but you won’t see the effects until much later. Think positive. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Of all the bars, in all the world… oh… wait… we were watching Casablanca… Here’s your reading from our team of psychotic.. uhhh… PSYCHICS… Wear earth tones today. It will help you blend in with the scenery and may assist you in going unnoticed. This would be a good thing for you because being noticed today is the last thing you’re gonna want to do. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Buy new shoes. The ones you have smell really bad. Also.. invest in some talcum powder or baking soda to neutralize the sweat and odor. Aries (March 21 – April 19) When we first saw what is in your stars today, we were confused. Normally things aren’t as good as they are today, but the sun shines on a dog’s… uhh… that’s a little crude, let’s try this… even a broken clock is right twice a day… Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Things are looking up… and so are you… there are cobwebs forming in the bathroom cabinet. And no… we don’t know what a cob is, nor do we know why they make webs. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) There is a shattered glass in your future. Be careful. Hopefully it’s not one that will be hurled at your head. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There are strange emissions coming from inside your vehicle. Search it out… please let us know if our missing cousin. He was trying to find some kind of personal item of yours so that we could more clearly see into your particular future and hasn’t been seen for a little while. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Listen to music today. Just trust us. It’s the best plan for today. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Eat a cupcake instead of eating that big slab of cake you were planning on. Make that a tradition… eat less… you could use it! Plus… cupcakes are just soooo cute! Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will suffer some caffeine withdrawals today. Tomorrow morning will bring a fresh new perspective on the world as you head over to the Highway 61 Coffee House and grab one of their frozen Mojos! Tell Daniel that we said hi! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t you wish that it was all a dream? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Place your right hand on red, move three spaces back and roll again.]]]]> ]]>