Horoscopes for May 10, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Hope of a stripper jumping out of your sheet cake will only continue to fade with each slice that is cut and served. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Write more haiku and do less sudoku. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will finally conquer your agoraphobia when you realize that the crowd is actually afraid of you! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There are some things that you just shouldn’t know about your significant other.   Just know that they love you and are only human. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You should have studied more in chemistry class.  You would have known that mixing bleach and ammonia was a really bad thing.   Poor animals.  You should feel horrible. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Add some spice to your life.  Put jalapenos on your pizza sub. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your dentist appointment is coming up soon…  You might want to re-schedule.  The dentist just found out that one of his patients is sleeping with his wife and he doesn’t know who it is. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Pounce on the opportunity that you are given today.   It will either make you or break you, but at least you won’t be spinning your wheels anymore! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You are beginning to gain weight and it’s actually a good thing…  you’re gonna fall down and will be thankful of the extra padding on your backside. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The winds of change are blowing again…  You’re gonna need a new hat. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You have got to learn to tell the difference between the bell in the clock tower and the dinner bell.  While they may sound eerily similar, the dinner bell does not ring every hour on the hour. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will experience some personal growth today.  You should probably have that growth looked at by a physician. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your life is about to get much less complicated…  no more rent, power bills, phone bills, bill collectors… nothing.  You’ll be well taken care of for a while.   The one complication…  trying to figure out how to make the orange jumpsuit look better on you during your every other Sunday visits.]]]]> ]]>