Horoscopes for May 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Despite the relationship that the two of you share, the wall in your bathroom must be torn out to make room for your new specialized shower.  It’s ok… it’s just sheetrock. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) This is the the perfect day to curl up with that special someone and just let the day pass you by.  Too bad you don’t have a special someone.  Sucks to be you! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Getting a tattoo might be a good idea, of course you might not think so in another year when you get the results from the HIV test. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The dude that you’ve been seeing dressed in khaki pants is actually following you.  Don’t make eye contact.  He’s a little bit weird about that. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will take a trip downtown and realize that the steeple on Holy Trinity actually looks like an owl from a certain angle. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The truth will set you free, but could endanger your life if Carlo finds out that you ratted him out about the affair. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’ve been watching cartoons so long that you’re beginning to wonder why everything in your house looks so three dimensional.  Try this.   Turn the television off and go outside for some fresh air and a dose of reality. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You should tell that friend of yours with the big nostrils that their nostrils would shrink if they would just keep their fingers out of them. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You are very tasteful… so thinks the cannibal who’s been lurking about your place lately. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You just realized that you didn’t wear any underwear today.  We hope that you’re not too embarrassed about baring your assets. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Learn the art of the picture menu touch screen computer.  It will help you in your next career. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today is the day that you will realize that you have developed the furniture disease.  You will realize that your chest has fallen into your drawers!!! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) One of your co-workers will show a violent outpouring of emotion toward you.  Keep your distance so that you’ll have a head start when it all goes down.]]]]> ]]>