Horoscopes for May 12, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Your friends will seem to keep you at arms length today. Maybe this is a sign. We are not sure what it is a sign of, but we are sure it means something. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) This the opportunity for you to look back and reflect on the things that you have accomplished this far into the year. We know it’s a short list so, read it two or three (hundred) times. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Grab your swimsuit and jump in. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Time has a way of mudding all of the details. Good thing we have video. Or bad thing in this case. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You need to stand up for yourself. The time for cowering in the corner, sucking your thumb,  needing a diaper change is over. Have some self respect. Your Mom has been doing these things for you for 30 years, give her a break already. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) This is an interesting case. We can not in good conscious tell you your horoscope until we have consulted with the elders. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Yeti and Sasquash are different creatures. Don’t take our word for it. You will be visited by each of these creatures today. Ask them to stand side by side so you can see the differences for yourself. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Yellow is a good color for you today. A pale sickly yellow. You should have that looked at. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will need and extra hand today. But the operation is so expensive, you may just want to ask for help. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) This is the last time that we are going to lecture you about your personal hygiene. If you do not take the necessary steps to fix this problem, we aren’t going to talk to you anymore. And neither will anybody else. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Lots of people think that you are a wonderful person with a billion accomplishments and awards under your belt. They think you are the absolute coolest person that they have every met. Then again they only know you through online gaming. It’s easy to pretend, isn’t it? Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Open your mind to new and glorious adventures. We didn’t mean literally! Now you’re bleeding. Genius.]]]]> ]]>