Horoscopes for May 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  We know that you are a pretty bright fella and all, but are you sure that performing an operation on yourself is such a good idea? Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The rat masters hate to inform you that your request to win the lottery has been granted…to somebody else. Maybe if you were just the tiniest bit more inventive in your requests, everybody else wouldn’t have asked first. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You should try and accept that no matter how much you love your new Barbie Dream Car and House and Boat and Ranch, that they will never magically become real. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will begin to regularly shirk your responsibilities, after it finally dawns on you that all play isn’t so bad after all. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Everyone will complain that your behavior has become completely intolerable. This make you very sad, considering you thought you had turned over a new leaf and were being good for a change. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We have deemed today “yeah, you” Day. When the boss pulls out some impossible task, and is looking directly at you, you’ll know the answer to the question frantically racing through your tiny little mind. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your reunion is coming up. All these years you’ve spent in therapy will go up in flames if you set foot within 10 miles of that place. Save yourself the heartache and tell them you died. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are going to have to settle for being your same normal boring self today. Which is a change from the vespa-esque speeds you’ve been keeping lately. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You are the most brilliant person we have ever met. If you were any smarter, the government would kidnap you for testing on your brain. We aren’t sure how well sarcasm translates in text, but we hope you get it. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Are you sure you want to wear that? If zombies attack and you get turned into a zombie because you are so slow, you will have to wear that around forever. Or at least until all of the humans have been turned into zombies and you die a slow death from hunger. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will realize that you are not the nice kind sensitive person you thought your were when you offend a little person, a nun, a group of small children and a drunken sailor all at the same time. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Go ahead, we are sure that you can convince at least one out of twelve of your peers that they should at least doubt that you would do such a thing. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Just when you think that you can finally relax. Finally start to get on with your life and be a normal person again. Out of nowhere… you see a ninja out of the corner of your eye. No, they will never leave you alone.]]]]> ]]>