If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Tonight you will want to kill a mockingbird because you’ll have one outside your window whistling the opening theme to MASH. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You’ll find that you love triangles…. at least we think that you love triangles… Hmmm… Curious. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your workplace issues will dominate your day. Don’t let them see you sweat. They will continue to point an laugh if you do. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The extreme conditions we are experiencing will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You are beginning to feel ill. Don’t worry. It’s not lupus… or sarcoidosis… You actually may want to find the real Dr. House and have his team look at you though. You don’t look so well. It probably has something to do with all the tuna fish and ramen noodles that you ate that time. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Love is a mystery and you are not a detective. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You must be careful with whom you make eye contact. There is a person that you will meet today that will think that you are the most attractive person that they have ever seen and will break into your house to boil rabbits to prove their undying devotion to you. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You really need to be near a bathroom today. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will feel like a stranger in your own home later today. It won’t be until you open the refrigerator that you figure out that you are not in your house… drink the milk from the carton and then leave feeling victorious. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We would like to inform you that speed-dating has nothing to do with going on a date with half a bottle of No-Doz in your system while drinking Monster energy drinks. Gee whiz, you must be some sort of rocket scientist or something. Libra (September 23 – October 22) We are asking the same question that you are… “Why didn’t life come with an instruction manual?” We think we know the answer but we’re still trying to figure out who would be the one to deliver the manual… you know the post office couldn’t get it done. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The next time you receive flowers, they will be beautifully arranged and very colorful. There will be a number of bouquets, too. There will be lots of people dressed in black looking at them and commenting on how tasteful they are. Those same people will also be talking about how natural you look. Wow. You’re gonna get flowers and you’ll be looking good. This day’s gonna be great! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Resist the urge to buy that ferret. We hate ferrets and know that they would not be good for you. They stink and they like to take all the shiny things that lie around the house and hide them. Plus… they chase us away from all the food.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.